I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
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