My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
They have beer where we have blood.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
