she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
