im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Randomize
