saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
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