If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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