when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
