he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
