When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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