My room smells like vodka and shame
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
