this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
our cab driver is having phone sex.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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