I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
