Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
