...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
