You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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