I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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