Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
