If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
