omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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