he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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