I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
