I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
