Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
