i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
