I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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