so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
