His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
