you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
