i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
