the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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