Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
