My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
