she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
