I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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