you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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