I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
so much tequila, so little girl.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
