The maid of honor just puked.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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