Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
