I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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