hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
