I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Please don't give away my fajitas
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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