Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Dicks are not precious.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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