and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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