also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
