this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize