WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
