Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
