I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
