We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
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