My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
