im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
