I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
