its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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