Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
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