Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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