I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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