There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
It all started with a game of naked twister.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
