If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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