dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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