There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
