By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
